An Incomplete List of Noteable People I’ve Delivered Pizzas To

tybaar:

It’s coming up on a year now since I got my current job as a pizza delivery girl, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the little ever-expanding “WTFPIZZA” note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh - interesting deliveries.

So without further ado and in no particular order, here’s some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far:

- A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash.

- A woman who slipped me a business card (in lieu of tip) for a laser tattoo removal clinic, explaining “In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be.”

- At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice.

- An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pearl-handled .32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (I do) and also, if I could load it for her (I didn’t).

- A group of EMT’s hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recently extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire.

- A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door.  He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was “obstructing the mail system” and demanded my social security number so he could “report me to the proper authorities”.

- A group of young teenage girls (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them.

- A hotel room full of badass middle-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots.  They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them.

- A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans.

- Multiple instances of people asking if I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh)

- A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the “spitting image” of his deceased daughter.

- A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote “get a real car” in the tip portion of my credit receipt.

- A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us.  He did the duck lips thing in every shot.

- Multiple prank deliveries (joke’s on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered)

- An elderly man who wrote “FUCK OFF” as his signature on a credit receipt.

- A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he “works so hard”.  He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldn’t do anything.

- A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks + sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door.  Multiple knockings were of no avail.

- A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I’m female.  She proceeded to snatch my driver’s license out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me.

- A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double XP!)

- A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose.  He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully, HIS copy of the receipt.

- An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and pulling me over to get his pizza.

- A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote “0.00” in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me.  It said “pizza tip” in the “For” section.

- A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (I kept track) all about how long it took for her delivery to get to her.  She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dollar order.  I dunno.

- An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober.  When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked terrified, sat down on the floor and muttered “I… I don’t know….”

- Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis

- A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately turned to vomit into her mailbox.

- A surly Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a full-grown woman.

- A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color.  I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves - everywhere.

- A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did.  And perfectly, I may add.

- A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldn’t hear anything he was saying.

- An elderly guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him hollowpoint bullets.

- An adorable older lesbian couple who were mortified that they didn’t have any extra money for a tip, so they gave me a big sack of pistachios instead.  It took me three weeks to finish the bag.

filed under: #OH MY GOD   

but i’m high now so that’s cool 

thanks dad xo xo 

oh my fucking god my parents 

my stepmom comes upstairs and is like BROOKE come look what i got your dad! SHE GOT HIM A FUCKING BONG 

A BONG FOR WEED

filed under: #OH MY GOD   

niggorita:

there is no friendship in mario party

vondell-swain:

notxam:

urserlicious:

PREIOCSU

PREICOS

PURECIOUS

BABY
UHAWAODhdoiaooawioaddaw 

oh my GOD

!!!!!!!!!

filed under: #oh my god   #crying from cuteness   #ducky!!   

mukemmelbiraslan:

My roommate came in super drunk last night. This is him this morning. He is currently skipping class and sleeping underneath his fitted sheet. How is this even happening? He’s like a caterpillar in a cacoon.

filed under: #oh my god   #asfaksfasfasf   

nickthedinosaur:

So yesterday I went to Starbucks because I had like four dollars in my wallet and I was thirsty. Anyways, after the lady took my order like usual they ask you what your name is right? Well being me and all in my head I was like “The name Nick is too boring let’s spice this mother fucker up”. So I told the lady my name was Voldemort in the most calm way I could and for like two minutes she looked at me like I was fucking crazy. So I awkwardly walked away and sat down for like another five minutes or so until my drink came, and when I looked at the name on the cup I couldn’t help but to laugh for the longest time.

filed under: #oh my god   
filed under: #oh my god   

Title: End of an Era
Artist: Oliver Boyd and the Rememberalls
36,221 plays

awesomepadfoot:

End of an Era - Oliver Boyd and the Rememberalls

By awesomepadfoot

~

Don’t you ever wonder what will happen when it ends?

How can we let go of the ones who we call friends?

And I know, it’s only a story

But for many it’s more than that

It’s a world, all on its own where we

Want to put on that sorting hat

I will miss the train ride in

And the pranks pulled by the twins

And though it’s nowhere I have been

I’ll keep on smiling from the times I had with them

~

Could there ever be again another one like this

One that’s brought us together and

Started its own music movement

So I will miss the train ride in

And the pranks pulled by the twins

And though it’s nowhere I have been

I’ll keep on smiling from the times I had with them

~

Soon we will see it closed

The final chapter exposed

It’s an end of an era

And I’m seeing clearer

That nothing will ever be the same

So I will miss the train ride in

And the pranks pulled by the twins

And though it’s nowhere I have been

I’ll keep on smiling from the times I had with them

~

So don’t you ever wonder what will happen when it ends?


filed under: #OH MY GOD   #i can't do THIS   
filed under: #oh my god   #<3_<3   

Wizard Wrockers..

 

filed under: #oh my GOD   
filed under: #oh my god   #SCREAMING   

→http://claudiatheravenclaw.tumblr.com/post/947880054/have-you-ever-been-to-abercrombie-fitch-cos-i

image

Have you ever been to Abercrombie & Fitch? ‘Cos I had never gone to Abercrombie & Fitch before today, and oh my God. I thought it was where the popular people shopped! Is it… Is it a gay store? I don’t mean gay in the derogatory way that people sometimes use it nowadays, because that is not…

@theme